What I Value

Reclined in pensive mood, under the thatched (with leaves on zinc sheet) roof of the cool breezy gazebo near my quarter one afternoon, thousand and one memories of the past, in haste as if like relay race, flashed over me. Memories that transcended me beyond earth presented me boundless mirth, memories that pushed me down to murky hell inflicted me unbearable heat-cold sensation, memories that enabled me to fly like birds stuffed me with hope that I have become light like cotton and that I can touch heaven, memories that bore me unbearable pain like animals with crippled body and without limbs made me feel that my state is accursed , ecstasy from romance made me wish for eternity, heartbreaking situation sprung from loss of beloved one compelled me to pray to God not to let it happen in this life, and many more that enthralled different emotions, zoomed in and out in the lens of my mind. I baited to catch one. Several failed attempts on, ultimately, I caught one which threw my memory like shot put way back, probably 1993, when I was in class X, where one of my beloved teachers asked me ‘What do you value most in life?’

I was then a meek and timid boy. Nervousness surmounted my world. Most consider nervousness as foe without doubt and hesitation. But, I feel uncomfortable. It saved me so many times from situation where I would have to sweat profusely, where I would have been forced to set foot into the wrong territory, from situation where I would have looked awkward. Nervousness sometimes proved blessing in disguise to me, at least to me.  Even if I had the source of answers, my nervousness would have suppressed and blocked my confidence to open my mouth to utter answers. It could also be possible that I did not have concrete answers owing to the fact that my mind was in a bud stage, about to open up to bloom into beautiful flower, which might possibly give pleasure of beauty to close onlookers. If I had not answered then, one got to understand that it was not in anyway, defiance of my teacher’s order. Disobedience never cast its spell on me which made my mind insane to replicate it to my superiors. I respected and I respect teachers, both living and the ones who decided to enter into permanent retreat, never to return again, after accomplishing their missions.

However, like strong surge swells or like milk being boiled on oven, boils within me. It has reached the brink of spillage and no matter how hard I try, preventing it seems impossible. With due and no less respect than what I would have shown when I was student, I mention response to my beloved teacher’s query in the following manner:

My Guiding Star – I call the invisible and indestructible force, God, as my guiding star. I believe, it is undoubtedly, God who is guiding me through every thick and thin. He makes me see beauty through grotesque image, gives happiness through unhappiness, enables me to perceive positive picture warding off all negative forms, and He conjures my body with milk of human kindness and fills my heart with sympathy for sufferings. I am human being. Emotions or four humors like sanguine, choleric, phlegmatic and melancholy, control my body system.

When I am uncontrollably shaken by one or multiple emotions, I sneak into my altar, prostrate regretting my misjudgment, burning anger, seeking forgiveness for sins I have committed or would have committed unintentionally, and seeking mediation in case of deadlock of decisions. I get blessed. I feel it, as blood of calmness runs down my head through artery till the tip of my toes. I feel, I also get coherent picture of direction through which I must tread. We must understand that to make decision, in haste and when one’s mind and body are disturbed and unstable, is dangerous and risky business. This judgmental quality is gift from pious golden hands of God. I never wish to part from my Guiding Star until He bids me to calculate my ultimate move.        

My Country – It is my country that had housed my ancestors. It continues to house me and will house thousands of my progenies in times to come. It gave us shelter and resting place. Unconditional peace and tranquility are showered upon us. We owe simple respect in return. It does not demand but we nurture respect as our sense of gratitude for many offers we enjoyed. The name “Last Shangri-La” associated with my country is apt.

It is heart wrenching and disturbing moment to reflect upon a time when our country went through turbulence, chaos and almost reached anarchical state in 2002-2003. This situation was created by some foreign misfits, whose greed exceeded their possessions, who wanted to dilapidate or tear apart our nation by inciting ideas of divisions or mixed feelings amongst the citizens, who wanted to fight mighty Indian soldiers from our soil. There was a threat that prevalence of foreign outfits in our soil might drag Indian soldiers which meant our land turning into battle ground, drains filling with stream of blood, and some of our people falling target of their mad actions. Our country was then truly in turmoil and in need of real patriots. Hunt began. There was a call of the nation. Few teachers from Zhamgang HS (where I was working then) and I responded to the call by volunteering to safeguard our country even at the cost of our lives. Fortunately or unfortunately, none from teachers was recruited for militia training. I was unhappy and dissatisfied. My true love for my country awakened sanctified feeling of patriotism to place my country above my family, whom I love dearly. My country is above wealth, above friendship and even above my dear family.  Definitely, at the time of prosperity, we have to dance, to the tune of a nation. Similarly, at the time of adversity, we have to mourn.  John F. Kennedy’s words ‘Ask what you can do for your country, do not ask what your country can do for you’ rings clearly in my mind. It has found a lodge as permanent resident within my heart.